I just wanted to write important things here. Something that i felt suddenly or whatever it is that cause my heart to pound so hard right now. Back to few hours ago, when i take a shower i got this genius idea to how i can stay at home and make money. I wanted to learn sewing clothes! Baju kurung, specifically. It would be great if i learn how to do it, and do a business out of it. I mean, I'm a super fast learner i'm sure i can learn that if i put my time and dedication out of it.

So i tell my mom about it, and she is being such a hypocrite about it. She tell me to go and learn about sewing (not only baju kurung) but generally everything. I told her i can learn to do baju kurung first and i can learn the rest later. But she suddenly said that its ok to learn that, but she insisted i go study and taking my degree. Its not even related! I don't understand why she is bringing that up? I get it, we need to learn and get degree but does she even realized that all of my friends who is taking degree right now is simply confused to what even they are doing? Some of them are getting into final year and they don't even know what they're doing or what they want to be after they finish their studies.

And the reason i called her hypocrite is that the act she wants me to learn everything is just a lie. She did that to distract me, or confused me or something. She never wants me to learn how to sew. If she did, she would allowed me to take fashion course in a university. If she did, this time if i ask her can i take fashion courses for my degree she would definitely said no. And for my dad, he wants me to go and do property line. To find some land or houses to do. He do not understand that in order to do that, i have to go a company. I cannot do it on my own. Plus, nobody trusts me!!! They look at me as if i was a high school student.

 I don't get it. They never approve whatever I wanted to do. My mom wants me to be a teacher. My dad want me to get a degree. They want me to find the perfect job. I don't want a perfect job. I want something to make my life happy. To allow me to enjoy my life. I want to work alone. I wish they would just stop controlling me and trying so hard to make my life perfect. I just want them to give them support to what i really want to do in my life.

29th March 2017, 11.16pm

I feel so lost. I don't feel neither sad nor happy. I just think I am stuck in this empty void alone thinking about everything and nothing. I'm not trying to be fake deep with this shit but this is truly what i feel. 

I keep wondering what am i supposed to do next? Everybody around me seems like they have their life all figured out. For me, I don't even know what I want. What will i be in 2 years time from now? 5 years from now? 10 years from now? Its not even blurry or unclear.. I feel like there is no light at all. I can't see anything of what I will be in the future. I wanted to go overseas, that would be my biggest wish..but working as what? It sounds dumb isn't it? How can i say i wanted to go overseas without knowing what the hell i am going to do there. 

And this thing lead me to my #01 problem right now. What courses should i take for my degree? I can't randomly choose to study anything tho. I will regret it in the future. I need to find a course that can help me in the future. Ah..I'm confused. Wouldn't it be nice if my future self time travel and tell me what to do. 

31st July 2016, 4.16am

I don't really write here, just barely coming and write a piece of my mind whenever I feel like there is something I wanted to share and let it out from my chest when there is no one to talk to. I am happy with my life now, there's nothing special to it yet its not ordinary neither. I wanted to improve my English, and I've been learning a bit Korean language too. I should try harder in life.
There is so much I wanted to  do. I want to learn how to make-up, to design my room, to have cooler and better image, to be more confident, learn how to dance, be fluent in english and korean, read more books, watch more dramas and excel in class too. Is it too much? But I love sleep so much..
Its frustrating.